Guilt. If you say it enough times, it stops making sense.

I’m currently freezing in the basement office, trying to wear my new robe because David hates the pink fleece one that is much warmer. But he left for work and I just need to get myself upstairs to put on that warmer one.

I ate the rest of the Pad Thai (can you believe I suggested it was missing something important like soy sauce, and OMG, he DID forget the soy sauce? He has it running in his veins! also, I can NEVER tell what ingredient is missing), and now I’m back with a pink robe. Walt decided it was his job to make it as difficult as possible for me to put on my socks. He was also observed licking the toilet rim this morning, after which he immediately ran to the bedroom and licked my hand. Now he’s continuing his project of removing all stuffing from the blue lamb toy through the hole he made in its anus.

Last year about this time I started some kind of 2006 In Review post, left it in draft status for a couple of weeks, and then deleted it. There is something about me that absolutely resists categorizing the last year (or whatever period of time), and even more than that, I resist making resolutions. I can’t remember ever making resolutions. I hate goal-setting because of the risk of disappointing myself and especially others knowing about it. This makes it hard to write my Performance Management document every year at work, but I do it because it’s required. I’m good at keeping notes all year and then spinning the document to make me look good, but I think that’s mostly because I’m a good writer. (I am a Good Employee, of course, but it seems very silly and time-wasting for me to spend hours writing about how I met company and building priorities rather than just DOING MY JOB. This is also why I was not comfortable being a supervisor, because then I felt I wasted a lot more time helping my employees document all that stuff rather than all of us just DOING OUR JOBS.) Anyway, I did well at work last year, but it’s counterintuitive for me to record that.

At home, though, there is no one making me take stock of my life. I feel a little guilt about not doing it, but is it even useful? Wouldn’t it be like my PM at work, where I do what I always do, and then in November take a look at the other things I said I’d do and quickly squeeze it in under stress (while still doing my ACTUAL JOB), or spin it to say why I didn’t need to do that thing? I operate every day on guilt as it is, and I don’t see a need to introduce more. Without guilt running my life, I’d shrivel and die, I think.

So this year I have plans to start an IRA, but I wouldn’t call it a resolution. Every year I have some financial ideas, seeking to be safer/stronger with my money, but that’s self-driven by guilt anyway (or more precisely, fear of financial insecurity, but that falls under guilt in general for me). Doesn’t anyone else feel so badly that they didn’t lose the weight they said they would that they resolve not to resolve anything ever again? Note: I don’t plan to lose weight. I know that’s a biggie around here, but if I were to make some sort of resolution, it would probably be around contributing more peace to the world. I’ll do that anyway due to guilt!

Sigh.

2 thoughts on “Guilt. If you say it enough times, it stops making sense.

  1. I’m the same way. There was a year-in-review meme circulating this same time last year and I started it but never finished. It’s nice to take inventory and commit to some positive changes but I too am scared to make a scene out of resolutions, only to fail by January 15. This is giving me a good idea for a silly post. Stay tuned!

  2. Pingback: Amy’s Gripping Commentary » Obligatory year end/beginning thoughts

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